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May. 22nd, 2009 06:23 pmMr. Gary Bettman, why do you hate Canada?
I mean, c'mon. Hating Canada is like hating puppies. Cute little labrador retriever puppies. You don't want to make the puppies cry, do you?
Or, hey, for that spin that even Californians can get around, let's say that we have this cute little adorable seal pup out on the floes off the coast of Newfoundland. Just for fun's sake, let's say his name is Hamilton. He's fluffy and adorable and oh-so-whitely coated, little Hamilton. Unfortunately, at the moment, he's all alone. All his other seal pup friends, y'see, they went to go play hockey out on the nearby ice floe rink, but alas, Hamilton has no stick, so he can't play with them.
You, Mr. Bettman, are sneaking up on this poor unsuspecting seal pup with a stick. You could give the stick to Hamilton so he could go play with his buddies, but oh no. No, instead, you're going to club poor Hamilton to death with it and sell the skin off his body so he can keep some rich European woman's hands warm.
...
Well, nevermind that even if you did give Hamilton the stick, the less-inept-than-you Newfies would still get Hamilton and all his buddies besides, and maybe magically the cod stocks would recover. That's beside the point.
There's really no goddamn reason Phoenix should even have a hockey team. I mean, they're how far away from the Mexican border, again? It doesn't get below freezing there except for when hell itself freezes over. You think you're going to convince a bunch of Phoenix-folk to willingly go into a big building where, holy shit, there's ice inside, and it's kind of cold? I mean, ice, what the hell is that shit, anyway? And that's not even counting the fact that they can't follow the puck on the ice so they have no idea what the hell's going on. They lack puck-fu.
Heck, you could even give 'em back to Winnipeg, and then let the Thrashers go to Hamilton. But that'd be making two Canadian cities happy, and we can't have those goddamn Canadians getting ahead of anybody in the good ol' US of A, could we? Nevermind that all your little expansion teams are in places where people just don't appreciate hockey. Hell, even Chicagonians didn't appreciate hockey right until their team made it to the conference finals this year (I should know; I was listening to their radio shows the day after, the jerks), and they're even kind of a northern state. You know how much more revenue those teams would be making in a place where they'd actually get good coverage and, oh, people buying tickets?
Need I remind you who the nation in 'National Hockey League' actually is? Here's a hint: there's no 'U' or even an 'S' in there.
Piss off, stop being an antagonistic prick for no bloody reason, and let the hockey go where it'll actually make you money. We'll all be lots happier.
I mean, c'mon. Hating Canada is like hating puppies. Cute little labrador retriever puppies. You don't want to make the puppies cry, do you?
Or, hey, for that spin that even Californians can get around, let's say that we have this cute little adorable seal pup out on the floes off the coast of Newfoundland. Just for fun's sake, let's say his name is Hamilton. He's fluffy and adorable and oh-so-whitely coated, little Hamilton. Unfortunately, at the moment, he's all alone. All his other seal pup friends, y'see, they went to go play hockey out on the nearby ice floe rink, but alas, Hamilton has no stick, so he can't play with them.
You, Mr. Bettman, are sneaking up on this poor unsuspecting seal pup with a stick. You could give the stick to Hamilton so he could go play with his buddies, but oh no. No, instead, you're going to club poor Hamilton to death with it and sell the skin off his body so he can keep some rich European woman's hands warm.
...
Well, nevermind that even if you did give Hamilton the stick, the less-inept-than-you Newfies would still get Hamilton and all his buddies besides, and maybe magically the cod stocks would recover. That's beside the point.
There's really no goddamn reason Phoenix should even have a hockey team. I mean, they're how far away from the Mexican border, again? It doesn't get below freezing there except for when hell itself freezes over. You think you're going to convince a bunch of Phoenix-folk to willingly go into a big building where, holy shit, there's ice inside, and it's kind of cold? I mean, ice, what the hell is that shit, anyway? And that's not even counting the fact that they can't follow the puck on the ice so they have no idea what the hell's going on. They lack puck-fu.
Heck, you could even give 'em back to Winnipeg, and then let the Thrashers go to Hamilton. But that'd be making two Canadian cities happy, and we can't have those goddamn Canadians getting ahead of anybody in the good ol' US of A, could we? Nevermind that all your little expansion teams are in places where people just don't appreciate hockey. Hell, even Chicagonians didn't appreciate hockey right until their team made it to the conference finals this year (I should know; I was listening to their radio shows the day after, the jerks), and they're even kind of a northern state. You know how much more revenue those teams would be making in a place where they'd actually get good coverage and, oh, people buying tickets?
Need I remind you who the nation in 'National Hockey League' actually is? Here's a hint: there's no 'U' or even an 'S' in there.
Piss off, stop being an antagonistic prick for no bloody reason, and let the hockey go where it'll actually make you money. We'll all be lots happier.
