set phasers to incoherant
Jul. 26th, 2006 09:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
magedragonfireSo I think it's time for a ramble, 'cause I don't know what else to do.
Today... Well, I thought it would be nice. I woke up early. I was ready for fun things and happy stuffs!
And then everything just kinda turned sour and I don't wanna get into it but it really hurt. I've... never felt like that before. I mean, I've been upset and all before - big tearstorms and whatnot and I always feel like shit for a while but then it usually gets better - but this wasn't that - not so many tears - its just awful. Couldn't stop shaking for two hours. Made reading The Amber Spyglass a bitch. Couldn't concentrate. Felt I can't remember how to spell that word with nausea in it goddamnit. Still do. Don't want to eat. Did anyways. It didn't go away all the while I was at work.
I didn't want to go to work. I did anyways. What else was there to do? Marla's packing and moving and everyone else is quitting or on vacation or a newbie and there would've been no one else and Tawnya's already going out of her mind because of it all.
There's not even a song
So Joy was around when I got there, and that was about the last thing I wanted. Pulled me into the office. Knew she would. Wanted to talk about the fall. Knew she would. Wanted me to go to Guildford. Knew that too. Except what I didn't know was that she was going to phrase it in such a manner as to say 'you're going there whether you like it or not because we've hired the arthritic old woman to take your place already, and if you don't like it, you can quit'. Politely. Always polite, Joy is.
So I think I might. Quit. I'm tired of the bullshit. I'm tired of Joy's refusal to do things in the most efficient way. Tired of the refusal to understand. Tired of them hiring useless people. Oh god the uselessness first they hired a woman for Coquitlam - my 'replacement'. Didn't even tell me they were hiring a replacement for me when they hired her. I thought they'd maybe respect the time I've spent with them or something but no. Anyways. She's 63 years old, apparently, and Marla tells me she's very slow physically - which you can't be there's usually always something to be doing - and has swollen, swollen knuckles - yep arthritis - and isn't. catching. on. Had to fix three THREE errors in scheduling yesterday, and she's already had two weeks to learn the simple scheduling that we use at Coquitlam. I'd hate to see the mess she'd make of Guildford. Trevor and Kabir and Terra all agree that she won't make it. I don't know why they
And then there's the new fellow over at Guildford. He can't speak English. He's not allowed to answer the phones (!), he's not allowed to touch the computers. Ever. In other words, he's not allowed to do anything useful. He IS allowed to go and clean up after the therapists, and pull charts, and escort patients to rooms. Also in other words, the tasks that the regular folk do in a total of five minutes when there's a lull in things. Oh god, Monday, I worked with him, and I was SWAMPED with phonecalls and new patients wanting to sign in and billing. And he would just sit there. And stare at me. And do nothing. You don't ever do nothing at Guildford. And I was close to tearing out my hair and he couldn't do anything about it and even Tawnya's pulling her hair out over it - it was Joy who hired him not her - and rrrrrgh.
So I don't know what's running through Joy's head any more - we've told her to hire either competent, trained staff (but she's too cheap to pay what NORMAL billing clerk wages are), or hire young people, such as myself and Steve and Ravi who are intelligent and pick things up quick (but she's afraid that they'll be hired and then flit off somewhere the next chance they get, which is bullshit; Steve and Ravi have been there as long as I - what, two years? yes - if not longer and Steve's still working and Ravi just turned in her notice and I'm... well I dunno yet so it's not like every young person is absolutely shiftless).
...Anyways. So they want me to go to Guildford and work four times as hard for the same piddly amount of money.
And I don't get a choice about it.
Unless I leave.
...I told her I'd think about it. I think she knew what my mind was drifting along, because she called me later after I left and told me that she didn't know if I knew, but Tawnya had said to her that she just loved working with me.
I laughed. didn't feel like it but it's amazing what you can pull off when you need to 'cause I'd earlier been almost in tears when Joy was talking to me - because of the stuff she was talking to me about and the other thing - but then the phone rang and there were patients to deal with and I was back to normal in twenty seconds even though my heart wasn't in it. I just said 'oh, okay, that's good to know', and then I went back to work. And I know she just said it because they can't afford to lose people right now, and she knows it and I know it and
Ah, gods, but I can't take it anymore. I've been hating it for months now. Every shitty thing that I see her do - whether to the staff or the therapists or - ugh. And then she's all honey and cloying sweetness when she wants something.
Work also felt like it was twelve hours long, even though it was only five. I looked at the clock at four and thought to myself that it must have been six hours already but no.
It was empty. Shirley was being very efficient with the patients. I hid in the office and read mostly, trying to keep from crying because I just couldn't while at work. Just no.
I think I picked the wrong book. Didn't remember 'til I got home. I love The Amber Spyglass, love it, but it's really the wrong sort of book for right now. I read the ending, starting with Lyra and Will in the world of the mulafa when I got home, and I couldn't help it, it just made me bawl.
Hard to read, too, with the contacts. They were fuzzy from the earlier crying. Of course I took them out when I got home, though.
I decided that I wasn't through being masochistic and finally looked at my grades. Wasn't as bad as I'd thought... But not terrific either. I passed. Sort of. B+ and C+ and C+ and D. Expected that last. 307 didn't treat me kindly. Still haven't outright failed anything. One saving grace.
This feeling...
It's like where Lyra went to the world of the dead in two ways. The first, where she had to leave Pan behind in the city of the dead, and it felt like her heart was being pulled out of her chest.
And that's it; I can't breathe, because it hurts and hurts and hurts. There's the agony of not knowing what's going on and the trembling because I need to do something because I'm not sure what and I just want to make it stop hurting but I don't know how.
Collapsed near the fridge when I went looking for food. Couldn't catch my breath. Don't know why. Just kept panting and panting and I couldn't stop it. Mind was paralyzed. Body was just still. Held on. Waited. Marm helped. She rubbed my knee. Finally could move again. Didn't feel like food then, but I made myself eat anyways. Probably not enough, but I'd had my needle and I couldn't very well not eat then.
She likes her pompoms. I can hear her playing with them again.
And then there's the lostness. She almost fell off of the edge of the abyss, but the harpy was there to catch her.
There's no-one to catch me.
There was a rainbow once, and it split up and lead off in so many directions. I could see for miles. I didn't know what would await me when I got to the edge of my path, but it was sure to be good - rainbows never lead you astray, right?
But somewhere I fell off. I don't know where, or how. And it wasn't too bad at first. I could still see the rainbow. I could get back on it if only I tried hard enough. And I tried - I tried I tried I tried but it wasn't enough. I kept falling.
And now there's only darkness and fog and everywhere I turn, it's another wrong choice and confusion and befuddlement, and I can't even see the colours any more. I don't know how to get back on the path. Every choice seems like something else that will damn me, and I can't choose one thing because of that. Whatever I do now, it'll be a waste of time, or of money, or of kindness or love and...
A waste.
I had it all, except I got distracted and it all fell away and now there's nothing left.
I...
What else is there do to now.
Oh. I made the appointment. I know what you said, and maybe it was true, but suddenly the drill seems less scary than this. This waiting and the confusion and.
Nn. No excuses. I know.
Haha. I know something after all.
Somewhere tonight there's lights and sparks and kabooms arcing up across the sky and people oohing and aahing and
I hope it's pretty.
That's all.
Today... Well, I thought it would be nice. I woke up early. I was ready for fun things and happy stuffs!
And then everything just kinda turned sour and I don't wanna get into it but it really hurt. I've... never felt like that before. I mean, I've been upset and all before - big tearstorms and whatnot and I always feel like shit for a while but then it usually gets better - but this wasn't that - not so many tears - its just awful. Couldn't stop shaking for two hours. Made reading The Amber Spyglass a bitch. Couldn't concentrate. Felt I can't remember how to spell that word with nausea in it goddamnit. Still do. Don't want to eat. Did anyways. It didn't go away all the while I was at work.
I didn't want to go to work. I did anyways. What else was there to do? Marla's packing and moving and everyone else is quitting or on vacation or a newbie and there would've been no one else and Tawnya's already going out of her mind because of it all.
There's not even a song
So Joy was around when I got there, and that was about the last thing I wanted. Pulled me into the office. Knew she would. Wanted to talk about the fall. Knew she would. Wanted me to go to Guildford. Knew that too. Except what I didn't know was that she was going to phrase it in such a manner as to say 'you're going there whether you like it or not because we've hired the arthritic old woman to take your place already, and if you don't like it, you can quit'. Politely. Always polite, Joy is.
So I think I might. Quit. I'm tired of the bullshit. I'm tired of Joy's refusal to do things in the most efficient way. Tired of the refusal to understand. Tired of them hiring useless people. Oh god the uselessness first they hired a woman for Coquitlam - my 'replacement'. Didn't even tell me they were hiring a replacement for me when they hired her. I thought they'd maybe respect the time I've spent with them or something but no. Anyways. She's 63 years old, apparently, and Marla tells me she's very slow physically - which you can't be there's usually always something to be doing - and has swollen, swollen knuckles - yep arthritis - and isn't. catching. on. Had to fix three THREE errors in scheduling yesterday, and she's already had two weeks to learn the simple scheduling that we use at Coquitlam. I'd hate to see the mess she'd make of Guildford. Trevor and Kabir and Terra all agree that she won't make it. I don't know why they
And then there's the new fellow over at Guildford. He can't speak English. He's not allowed to answer the phones (!), he's not allowed to touch the computers. Ever. In other words, he's not allowed to do anything useful. He IS allowed to go and clean up after the therapists, and pull charts, and escort patients to rooms. Also in other words, the tasks that the regular folk do in a total of five minutes when there's a lull in things. Oh god, Monday, I worked with him, and I was SWAMPED with phonecalls and new patients wanting to sign in and billing. And he would just sit there. And stare at me. And do nothing. You don't ever do nothing at Guildford. And I was close to tearing out my hair and he couldn't do anything about it and even Tawnya's pulling her hair out over it - it was Joy who hired him not her - and rrrrrgh.
So I don't know what's running through Joy's head any more - we've told her to hire either competent, trained staff (but she's too cheap to pay what NORMAL billing clerk wages are), or hire young people, such as myself and Steve and Ravi who are intelligent and pick things up quick (but she's afraid that they'll be hired and then flit off somewhere the next chance they get, which is bullshit; Steve and Ravi have been there as long as I - what, two years? yes - if not longer and Steve's still working and Ravi just turned in her notice and I'm... well I dunno yet so it's not like every young person is absolutely shiftless).
...Anyways. So they want me to go to Guildford and work four times as hard for the same piddly amount of money.
And I don't get a choice about it.
Unless I leave.
...I told her I'd think about it. I think she knew what my mind was drifting along, because she called me later after I left and told me that she didn't know if I knew, but Tawnya had said to her that she just loved working with me.
I laughed. didn't feel like it but it's amazing what you can pull off when you need to 'cause I'd earlier been almost in tears when Joy was talking to me - because of the stuff she was talking to me about and the other thing - but then the phone rang and there were patients to deal with and I was back to normal in twenty seconds even though my heart wasn't in it. I just said 'oh, okay, that's good to know', and then I went back to work. And I know she just said it because they can't afford to lose people right now, and she knows it and I know it and
Ah, gods, but I can't take it anymore. I've been hating it for months now. Every shitty thing that I see her do - whether to the staff or the therapists or - ugh. And then she's all honey and cloying sweetness when she wants something.
Work also felt like it was twelve hours long, even though it was only five. I looked at the clock at four and thought to myself that it must have been six hours already but no.
It was empty. Shirley was being very efficient with the patients. I hid in the office and read mostly, trying to keep from crying because I just couldn't while at work. Just no.
I think I picked the wrong book. Didn't remember 'til I got home. I love The Amber Spyglass, love it, but it's really the wrong sort of book for right now. I read the ending, starting with Lyra and Will in the world of the mulafa when I got home, and I couldn't help it, it just made me bawl.
Hard to read, too, with the contacts. They were fuzzy from the earlier crying. Of course I took them out when I got home, though.
I decided that I wasn't through being masochistic and finally looked at my grades. Wasn't as bad as I'd thought... But not terrific either. I passed. Sort of. B+ and C+ and C+ and D. Expected that last. 307 didn't treat me kindly. Still haven't outright failed anything. One saving grace.
This feeling...
It's like where Lyra went to the world of the dead in two ways. The first, where she had to leave Pan behind in the city of the dead, and it felt like her heart was being pulled out of her chest.
And that's it; I can't breathe, because it hurts and hurts and hurts. There's the agony of not knowing what's going on and the trembling because I need to do something because I'm not sure what and I just want to make it stop hurting but I don't know how.
Collapsed near the fridge when I went looking for food. Couldn't catch my breath. Don't know why. Just kept panting and panting and I couldn't stop it. Mind was paralyzed. Body was just still. Held on. Waited. Marm helped. She rubbed my knee. Finally could move again. Didn't feel like food then, but I made myself eat anyways. Probably not enough, but I'd had my needle and I couldn't very well not eat then.
She likes her pompoms. I can hear her playing with them again.
And then there's the lostness. She almost fell off of the edge of the abyss, but the harpy was there to catch her.
There's no-one to catch me.
There was a rainbow once, and it split up and lead off in so many directions. I could see for miles. I didn't know what would await me when I got to the edge of my path, but it was sure to be good - rainbows never lead you astray, right?
But somewhere I fell off. I don't know where, or how. And it wasn't too bad at first. I could still see the rainbow. I could get back on it if only I tried hard enough. And I tried - I tried I tried I tried but it wasn't enough. I kept falling.
And now there's only darkness and fog and everywhere I turn, it's another wrong choice and confusion and befuddlement, and I can't even see the colours any more. I don't know how to get back on the path. Every choice seems like something else that will damn me, and I can't choose one thing because of that. Whatever I do now, it'll be a waste of time, or of money, or of kindness or love and...
A waste.
I had it all, except I got distracted and it all fell away and now there's nothing left.
I...
What else is there do to now.
Oh. I made the appointment. I know what you said, and maybe it was true, but suddenly the drill seems less scary than this. This waiting and the confusion and.
Nn. No excuses. I know.
Haha. I know something after all.
Somewhere tonight there's lights and sparks and kabooms arcing up across the sky and people oohing and aahing and
I hope it's pretty.
That's all.
