Hurray for breaking points...
Dec. 12th, 2004 07:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
magedragonfireYou always say that I never tell you anything; did you ever stop to wonder if it's because you never ask?
I haven't been in the best of moods or states of well-being lately - you do know I'm in exams, which you, by experience, should know is a humongously stressful time... But you only know that because all you seem to care about is my schooltime activities - tests, projects, oh, those you want to know about. How are things going otherwise? Sometimes she asks... You don't. Never do.
You haven't noticed my increased amount of sniffling lately - and no, that's not from what's causing this; this is stress. I think something's physically wrong with my nose or sinuses... Nah, not really something obvious, but something that someone should've picked up on.
You've noticed the amount of time I've spent away from home recently, but you haven't thought on whether there's a reason for that besides me liking to be out with my friends.
You've noticed how I've been freezing around here recently, even when I'm wearing heavier clothing - but you're too cheap to let me turn up the furnace to a level that doesn't turn me to an icicle? I very much doubt two degrees will raise the bill by all that much.
And I told you those lights made things gloomy out there... Really, who puts up Christmas lights in a monotone of BLUE? I'd rather have all white lights, and you know I hate those too! At least they don't make the house look like a pit of depression.
And then you tell me I can't change them, even though I'm willing to do the work. I think tonight they'll get changed, after you retreat to bed... Maybe using the quadratic hash probe function, just to spite you. Perhaps I'll stick a new line or two, duct-taped to the garage door, with a cheery message of "BITE ME" spelled out - ooh, in blue. Since you like that and all.
And then to completely forget about what I asked you for... And go and do something about as different as you can get. That was just mean.
Perhaps these are all little nitpicks, but they do build up over time... And unlike you, I apparently have some shred of emotion left. I haven't let mine die like you did. How could you just let me lay there and cry? You didn't even try to find out what was wrong, or make me feel better at all! Nono, all I got were demands to go eat - even though it wasn't my fucking blood sugar - SHIT, can't you UNDERSTAND that it's not my blood sugar that makes me emotional every time I get like this?
Turns out I might be like you in some fashion, though. I might end up hating my dad, too.
And I can't even move out, like you want me to... Hellfires, like I want me to. I can't take much more of this, us arguing all the time, you yelling at me for completely silly reasons - this is why I get like this! You've been telling me for the past six months that the sooner I move out, the better it'll be for all of us. And yet, what options do I have? I have no money; what I do have - hell, what I'm earning right now - I need to spend on tuition, or no school for me in the spring. I'd need my own computer before I could move out - the parts upstairs on the old one are next to useless. My insulin is expensive, and so's housing... How could I support myself?
I couldn't. Not and still be able to keep doing well enough to stay in school... I'd have to work full time, probably with two jobs, and I wouldn't have any way to get around, no car, and with transit as it is out here...
So I'm trapped. And things are just going to get worse, aren't they, because you don't understand...
I haven't been in the best of moods or states of well-being lately - you do know I'm in exams, which you, by experience, should know is a humongously stressful time... But you only know that because all you seem to care about is my schooltime activities - tests, projects, oh, those you want to know about. How are things going otherwise? Sometimes she asks... You don't. Never do.
You haven't noticed my increased amount of sniffling lately - and no, that's not from what's causing this; this is stress. I think something's physically wrong with my nose or sinuses... Nah, not really something obvious, but something that someone should've picked up on.
You've noticed the amount of time I've spent away from home recently, but you haven't thought on whether there's a reason for that besides me liking to be out with my friends.
You've noticed how I've been freezing around here recently, even when I'm wearing heavier clothing - but you're too cheap to let me turn up the furnace to a level that doesn't turn me to an icicle? I very much doubt two degrees will raise the bill by all that much.
And I told you those lights made things gloomy out there... Really, who puts up Christmas lights in a monotone of BLUE? I'd rather have all white lights, and you know I hate those too! At least they don't make the house look like a pit of depression.
And then you tell me I can't change them, even though I'm willing to do the work. I think tonight they'll get changed, after you retreat to bed... Maybe using the quadratic hash probe function, just to spite you. Perhaps I'll stick a new line or two, duct-taped to the garage door, with a cheery message of "BITE ME" spelled out - ooh, in blue. Since you like that and all.
And then to completely forget about what I asked you for... And go and do something about as different as you can get. That was just mean.
Perhaps these are all little nitpicks, but they do build up over time... And unlike you, I apparently have some shred of emotion left. I haven't let mine die like you did. How could you just let me lay there and cry? You didn't even try to find out what was wrong, or make me feel better at all! Nono, all I got were demands to go eat - even though it wasn't my fucking blood sugar - SHIT, can't you UNDERSTAND that it's not my blood sugar that makes me emotional every time I get like this?
Turns out I might be like you in some fashion, though. I might end up hating my dad, too.
And I can't even move out, like you want me to... Hellfires, like I want me to. I can't take much more of this, us arguing all the time, you yelling at me for completely silly reasons - this is why I get like this! You've been telling me for the past six months that the sooner I move out, the better it'll be for all of us. And yet, what options do I have? I have no money; what I do have - hell, what I'm earning right now - I need to spend on tuition, or no school for me in the spring. I'd need my own computer before I could move out - the parts upstairs on the old one are next to useless. My insulin is expensive, and so's housing... How could I support myself?
I couldn't. Not and still be able to keep doing well enough to stay in school... I'd have to work full time, probably with two jobs, and I wouldn't have any way to get around, no car, and with transit as it is out here...
So I'm trapped. And things are just going to get worse, aren't they, because you don't understand...
