(no subject)
Nov. 23rd, 2005 04:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
magedragonfireSo, you wanted another blog entry, eh?
Be careful what you wish for.
You ruined my evening, all because you bloody wouldn't tell me what the hell you were talking about last night.
Oh, no, excuse me, that was 'a mistake'. Sorry, my bad.
By the gods, that was just what I needed. You know what I've been going through lately. You know I haven't exactly had the best time of it. My nerves and emotions have been run raw already - even though I'm not involved in their argument, it doesn't mean it still hasn't affected me; shit, I've been getting weepy at the drop of a hat during the past two weeks, and I'm never that emotional - and now you go and do this, brush me off without so much as an explanation.
I was all set for a nice evening out - a chance to spend a bit of time with you, which hasn't happened much lately. The whole distance factor and busyness as of late hasn't exactly been good for that. It would also let me forget about how shitty things have been for the past bit, and I desperately need that. I just wanted to go out and have a good time. I'd even sorted out the transportation issues - Mom needed the car only for a little bit to go pay a bill. I TOLD you I'd come back up. There would have been plenty of time, and I wouldn't have minded dropping ten bucks of gas in the car, since all of the above would've been more than worth that.
But noooo. You just dropped the issue entirely.
I've been feeling neglected and confused as is - my dad's called my brother twice, and even took him out to the hockey game last night, but hasn't even bothered trying to get in touch with me. Don't blame it on the cell phone, either - if he wanted to make an effort, then he could call here and ask for me. He knows where I am. Mom's been completely insufferable, between her pissed-off 'must-take-anger-out-on-someone-oh-there's-Courteney' moods and her 'let's-pretend-everything's-okay'-and-be-a-FAAAAMBLEEE' moods. I don't like either. I don't like being abused needlessly, and I don't like being constantly dug for details about my life and how it's going.
Hell, I've had to tell her to piss off a dozen times already, after getting home with slightly red and puffy eyes, because apparently 'I don't want to talk about it' - when said six times, at least - means 'OH PLEEZ! DRILL ME FOR DETAILS!' in mom-language.
Then there's all the other crappy stuff - like, how I had to drop out of CUTC because of money issues, how I don't know when or if I'll ever get those parts for the computer because of same money issues, how I just know I'm going to end up in debt to someone because tuition is getting harder to scrap e money together for, how I hate my job, how I don't know what the hell I should be doing next semester, how my GPA is terrible and I have no idea how I'll pull it up, how I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing in CS in the first place, but don't know what else I should be doing...
And I never tell anyone any of this. I need to deal with it, somehow, on my own - part of my resilience from when I couldn't trust anyone, I guess. You have no idea how hard it is to say all of it now. What should've taken me half an hour to write on any normal subject has taken me about two hours, because in between words and sentences, I'm having to grit my teeth, stare at the screen, and try and keep myself from screaming aloud from the frustration and despair. I can hardly put a coherant thought together, and I can't help but think that this is all going to be terribly hard to read or understand (how many sudden subject changes have I made thus far?), and how much I'm going to regret it all later.
I don't care anymore.
I normally just smile and find tiny things with which to distract myself, all in the vain hope of trying to forget. It works, normally, but the last two weeks seem to have shred violently that particular skill of mine.
The only reason I left the common room today so suddenly was to avoid bursting into tears in front of everyone. Couldn't have that. I'm not that weak. Certainly didn't need everyone asking me what-the-hell-fuck-is-wrong.
But there went those scraped-raw nerves again.
So. I just wanted tonight to be a nice evening, before shit hit the fan and I buried myself in a hole in the faint hope of actually getting prepared for finals.
Guess I'll be spending it cooped up in my room or the den, here, with an atlas, trying vaguely (and probably unsuccessfully) to calm myself down instead.
I know you'll think that I'm overreacting terribly. I would, too, normally.
But... I just don't know what's going on any more. I'm even less in control than I used to be. Everything's turned upside down.
Next time you go and get my hopes up about something, could you please try not to crush them too badly? My spirit's kinda mangled-looking as it is right now.
Be careful what you wish for.
You ruined my evening, all because you bloody wouldn't tell me what the hell you were talking about last night.
Oh, no, excuse me, that was 'a mistake'. Sorry, my bad.
By the gods, that was just what I needed. You know what I've been going through lately. You know I haven't exactly had the best time of it. My nerves and emotions have been run raw already - even though I'm not involved in their argument, it doesn't mean it still hasn't affected me; shit, I've been getting weepy at the drop of a hat during the past two weeks, and I'm never that emotional - and now you go and do this, brush me off without so much as an explanation.
I was all set for a nice evening out - a chance to spend a bit of time with you, which hasn't happened much lately. The whole distance factor and busyness as of late hasn't exactly been good for that. It would also let me forget about how shitty things have been for the past bit, and I desperately need that. I just wanted to go out and have a good time. I'd even sorted out the transportation issues - Mom needed the car only for a little bit to go pay a bill. I TOLD you I'd come back up. There would have been plenty of time, and I wouldn't have minded dropping ten bucks of gas in the car, since all of the above would've been more than worth that.
But noooo. You just dropped the issue entirely.
I've been feeling neglected and confused as is - my dad's called my brother twice, and even took him out to the hockey game last night, but hasn't even bothered trying to get in touch with me. Don't blame it on the cell phone, either - if he wanted to make an effort, then he could call here and ask for me. He knows where I am. Mom's been completely insufferable, between her pissed-off 'must-take-anger-out-on-someone-oh-there's-Courteney' moods and her 'let's-pretend-everything's-okay'-and-be-a-FAAAAMBLEEE' moods. I don't like either. I don't like being abused needlessly, and I don't like being constantly dug for details about my life and how it's going.
Hell, I've had to tell her to piss off a dozen times already, after getting home with slightly red and puffy eyes, because apparently 'I don't want to talk about it' - when said six times, at least - means 'OH PLEEZ! DRILL ME FOR DETAILS!' in mom-language.
Then there's all the other crappy stuff - like, how I had to drop out of CUTC because of money issues, how I don't know when or if I'll ever get those parts for the computer because of same money issues, how I just know I'm going to end up in debt to someone because tuition is getting harder to scrap e money together for, how I hate my job, how I don't know what the hell I should be doing next semester, how my GPA is terrible and I have no idea how I'll pull it up, how I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing in CS in the first place, but don't know what else I should be doing...
And I never tell anyone any of this. I need to deal with it, somehow, on my own - part of my resilience from when I couldn't trust anyone, I guess. You have no idea how hard it is to say all of it now. What should've taken me half an hour to write on any normal subject has taken me about two hours, because in between words and sentences, I'm having to grit my teeth, stare at the screen, and try and keep myself from screaming aloud from the frustration and despair. I can hardly put a coherant thought together, and I can't help but think that this is all going to be terribly hard to read or understand (how many sudden subject changes have I made thus far?), and how much I'm going to regret it all later.
I don't care anymore.
I normally just smile and find tiny things with which to distract myself, all in the vain hope of trying to forget. It works, normally, but the last two weeks seem to have shred violently that particular skill of mine.
The only reason I left the common room today so suddenly was to avoid bursting into tears in front of everyone. Couldn't have that. I'm not that weak. Certainly didn't need everyone asking me what-the-hell-fuck-is-wrong.
But there went those scraped-raw nerves again.
So. I just wanted tonight to be a nice evening, before shit hit the fan and I buried myself in a hole in the faint hope of actually getting prepared for finals.
Guess I'll be spending it cooped up in my room or the den, here, with an atlas, trying vaguely (and probably unsuccessfully) to calm myself down instead.
I know you'll think that I'm overreacting terribly. I would, too, normally.
But... I just don't know what's going on any more. I'm even less in control than I used to be. Everything's turned upside down.
Next time you go and get my hopes up about something, could you please try not to crush them too badly? My spirit's kinda mangled-looking as it is right now.
