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magedragonfireSpring's here. The sun's shining - for once - the cherry trees are blossoming again, there's the nicest little wind, the temperature's finally at the most perfectest range...
...And meanwhile I'm miserable like I haven't been in... ye gods, six years?
I don't know what I'm doing any more, with anything.
Even my roleplaying's not the same - what ability I had at description seems to have flown out the window, the structure of my sentences has been bothering me, I've been having problems keeping straight what tense I should be writing in... That never happens. I'm not supposed to do that. And it's not lack of play that's been affecting me - although I haven't actually played a character in Furc for months, the message board Weyrs and the new Midgard RP I've joined have been busy. It's just been... different.
Along with everything else.
Dad's still not home. Still refusing to accept the fact that he's a drunk - well, maybe he's accepted it, I don't know, but he's certainly not doing anything about it. Conversely, Mom's refusing to see that she's a control-obsessed bitch at times, and that he's not the only one to blame with the problems they're having - as well as being fettered with grandbaby rabies, since Stace and Jimi appear to finally have had some luck in attracting a parasite.
(I shouldn't say that, they've been wanting a kid for ages and for a while it seemed like they'd not get the chance - without adopting, anyways [and why is that such a bad thing to do, anyways, adopt? Why does it absolutely haaaaave to be 'natural'?] - what with his injury, but Mom's being completely annoying about it. Doesn't understand at all that I don't like kids, especially babies. Blabbers on and on about how I'll have to be a 'good aunt', whatever that means, and I'll have to go visit it and coo over it, and won't it be WOOOOONDURFULLLLL. Then, of course, when I roll my eyes at her and express the merest notion of pity for poor Stace, she gets pissed off at me and brandishes the 'oh, just wait 'til you have them' stick. Ugh. My sole purpose in life is not to be a broodmare, kthx.)
The two of them are driving me up the wall - as is Sean, who is being, incredibly, even MORE self-centered and utterly irritating. All of them are trying to get me on their side of the arguments - and I refuse to have any part of it, which makes Dad quiet and sulky, Sean furious and violent, and Mom weepy and accusatory. It utterly sucks.
And she thinks there's something wrong with me, that I stay out of it! Ye gods, if I got into this fighting, I'd be even more screwed up than I already am.
It's gotten to the point where, really, I don't care if all three of them died tomorrow. It would make life a whole lot easier - no yelling, no screaming, no arguments, no nagging, and, actually, money - that wouldn't be poured down the drain as Scotch.
And perhaps there is something wrong with me, that I should think such, but I can't help it - my thought processes, I've noticed, do tend to be different from other people. Whether it's wrong or not, well, that depends on your point of view. I don't think it is. Most people probably would - which is why I haven't expressed this sentiment to her - or anyone, for that matter - for she'd think I'm absolutely horrible, and would probably try to get me into therapy, when there isn't anything wrong with me that a shrink could fix.
Hell, it's not like she's had any success with therapists herself.
Besides, if there's anyone to blame for any damage my mind might have, it's them.
And I don't think there's anything wrong with being me.
So life at home hasn't been the greatest... And guess what? It's not been the greatest anywhere else, either.
At work, Joy finally found out about the backlog of MSP rejections - and managed to go kerbonkers over them, even though I had warned her at the times that they were happening that I couldn't possibly get them fixed. Everything I know about fixing them I've had to learn through trial-and-error - there was no instruction given to me. None. Reema left last January, and I only had the barest idea of how to handle anything to do with that system - submit and retrieve the claims, and that was it, so there's a giant backlog in February - and then again from August to October, and a few in November and December, because Marla didn't know how to do them and I didn't have the time, only being in the clinic for a few hours each week, and only after all the adjusters and case managers are gone for the day, or aren't in at all.
So now I have to go and fix those, or help Marla try to fix them, and it gets done at roughly the same rate - it'll take another month or two, 'cause I don't even know if the way I found to get them reprocessed will work yet.
Meanwhile, she wants them done yesterday, and life moves on.
School... is probably rivalling home in terms of suckage.
Ling, admittedly, is fine. I don't even have to expend any large bits of energy to do well in that class - as evidenced by the second midterm that I did not realize I had until I walked into class, and yet still got above the average.
318's going okay. I finally figured out how to make piecewise functions in Matlab, and that made bits of the course that much easier... But I still don't know what I'm doing half the time, and the final project's due to be presented on the 3rd, and I haven't done anything, except research. No code. Not even recordings of the sounds I'll need to do it. Nothing. It's not that I haven't been trying, either, but every time I sit down to work on it, I get distracted, or realize that I want to be doing anything but working on it, and so I don't, and... And now I'm left with a week and two days to pull something out of my ass, and I don't even know that I'll be able to force myself to work on it now, even knowing that.
I can't make the distractions go away, either. I have a feeling that I'd be going crazy without them.
354 worries me. I mostly understand the material - when I read it, anyways (classes are useless) - but I don't think I understand it well enough to be able to spout out queries at random... Again, my problem of needing references hits. It doesn't help that the lecturer is an absolute cow - goddamnit, I need to check when the lecturers are grad students; this is the second time horrendous things have happened because of that. She can barely communicate in English, she marks everything as an absolute yes or no with barely any leeway for part marks, and she doesn't even understand the material she's teaching half the time! The homeworks have been horrendous so far, and those damned quizzes - well, the best way to describe the frustration about them is the answer I gave to the first question of the last one we had: I drew a picture of the world being pummelled by meteors, fire everywhere, stick people running around screaming, etc, etc. There's a project to do for that one, too, and between it and 318 I'm tearing my hair out... We do get to work in pairs for it - Trav's mine - but I haven't done anything for it yet and I feel guilty about it. He says it's easy, but I still don't want to shove the majority of it all on him... And I know that if I were 'working' with anyone else in the class, I'd be getting screamed at for not doing anything.
307's the worst of all. I don't understand it. At all. Well, maybe I understand the basic ideas behind the algorithms and how to use them, and how to manipulate the trees and stuff, but anything requiring figuring out computational time or making up a new algorithm to suit a requirement or the proofs behind those algorithms... All the important theoretical bits - which the course is supposed to be about! - I don't get those. It hasn't helped that everyone else in the class seems to be getting it okay, and that I've heard it bandied about the common room that you shouldn't be able to graduate or be called a computing scientist without knowing the stuff in 307... It makes me feel like a complete and utter idiot. A failure - that's all I've done on the tests so far. I'm supposed to be smart - supposed to know what I'm doing - but I can't grasp it and it doesn't help that the book is all giant and complicated and...
...And I'm wondering what the hell I'm even doing in comp sci to begin with.
I hate math. Sure, I can do more than some people, but I can't perform at the level I need to be able to do. I don't get it, can't wrap my head around it, and even asking for help hasn't worked.
But I don't know what else I should be doing, if not this. I'm lost. I've never been decisive, but I thought this was what was right for me... And now I'm utterly confused, and angry with myself for being so stupid, and I can't possibly just quit now, it'd be throwing three years of my life away, and thousands of dollars, and it'd be so weak of me and...
I'd be such a disappointment to everyone.
What happened to me?
I was always at the top of things in high school. Everyone told me I'd wind up doing really well in university, and getting a degree easily, and I listened to them and believed them and now I find out I'm a moron.
And I can't tell them. Can't tell mom or dad. They'd freak. They'd be even more pissed off at me than they are now.
Scared. What else can I do? I don't know. I should stick with this, maybe it'll get better. Or maybe it won't. Or
And meanwhile I just dig myself in deeper and
and maybe I'm supposed to be doing this after all, and it's my own damn fault that I'm so lazy and stupid, and that's why I'm doing badly
terribly
can't fail this semester, GPA'll drop back down below 2.4 and I'll be out of the school of CS for the second time and what'll the counselors say then, and it'll be a total waste of the scholarship - can't waste that money, can't
not that the CSSS appreciates me anyways - how the fuck did she win? She's not even around most of the time! That would've been a huge incentive to do better, need to be a major to hold that position, and
I don't understand.
Anything.
It was terrible yesterday. Thought it would be fine - I was just angry at first - but then I broke down in the common room again (too weak for my own good), and... I hope no-one noticed. I hid behind Trav, hid the tears behind laughter and helium, and thought it would be better for the social, but...
But I couldn't drink enough to stay drunk and happy - the coolers got too sweet, and beer's always made me gag, have to choke it down when I do drink it - and only two hours in and I wanted to be anywhere else but there, and she showed up, and there was just enough alcohol in my system to encourage me to snap her neck, and
And everyone else was happy and partying and bringing honour to CS by downing beer, and...
I felt ignored, and since no-one was paying attention to me, couldn't help but think about all this shit again, everything's compounding and I nearly broke down half a dozen times at the party itself, and again all the way home, and
couldn't help myself, cried for two hours before going to bed, and even now
...gah. Shut up. You sound like a whiny depressed emo teenager.
I need food.
...And meanwhile I'm miserable like I haven't been in... ye gods, six years?
I don't know what I'm doing any more, with anything.
Even my roleplaying's not the same - what ability I had at description seems to have flown out the window, the structure of my sentences has been bothering me, I've been having problems keeping straight what tense I should be writing in... That never happens. I'm not supposed to do that. And it's not lack of play that's been affecting me - although I haven't actually played a character in Furc for months, the message board Weyrs and the new Midgard RP I've joined have been busy. It's just been... different.
Along with everything else.
Dad's still not home. Still refusing to accept the fact that he's a drunk - well, maybe he's accepted it, I don't know, but he's certainly not doing anything about it. Conversely, Mom's refusing to see that she's a control-obsessed bitch at times, and that he's not the only one to blame with the problems they're having - as well as being fettered with grandbaby rabies, since Stace and Jimi appear to finally have had some luck in attracting a parasite.
(I shouldn't say that, they've been wanting a kid for ages and for a while it seemed like they'd not get the chance - without adopting, anyways [and why is that such a bad thing to do, anyways, adopt? Why does it absolutely haaaaave to be 'natural'?] - what with his injury, but Mom's being completely annoying about it. Doesn't understand at all that I don't like kids, especially babies. Blabbers on and on about how I'll have to be a 'good aunt', whatever that means, and I'll have to go visit it and coo over it, and won't it be WOOOOONDURFULLLLL. Then, of course, when I roll my eyes at her and express the merest notion of pity for poor Stace, she gets pissed off at me and brandishes the 'oh, just wait 'til you have them' stick. Ugh. My sole purpose in life is not to be a broodmare, kthx.)
The two of them are driving me up the wall - as is Sean, who is being, incredibly, even MORE self-centered and utterly irritating. All of them are trying to get me on their side of the arguments - and I refuse to have any part of it, which makes Dad quiet and sulky, Sean furious and violent, and Mom weepy and accusatory. It utterly sucks.
And she thinks there's something wrong with me, that I stay out of it! Ye gods, if I got into this fighting, I'd be even more screwed up than I already am.
It's gotten to the point where, really, I don't care if all three of them died tomorrow. It would make life a whole lot easier - no yelling, no screaming, no arguments, no nagging, and, actually, money - that wouldn't be poured down the drain as Scotch.
And perhaps there is something wrong with me, that I should think such, but I can't help it - my thought processes, I've noticed, do tend to be different from other people. Whether it's wrong or not, well, that depends on your point of view. I don't think it is. Most people probably would - which is why I haven't expressed this sentiment to her - or anyone, for that matter - for she'd think I'm absolutely horrible, and would probably try to get me into therapy, when there isn't anything wrong with me that a shrink could fix.
Hell, it's not like she's had any success with therapists herself.
Besides, if there's anyone to blame for any damage my mind might have, it's them.
And I don't think there's anything wrong with being me.
So life at home hasn't been the greatest... And guess what? It's not been the greatest anywhere else, either.
At work, Joy finally found out about the backlog of MSP rejections - and managed to go kerbonkers over them, even though I had warned her at the times that they were happening that I couldn't possibly get them fixed. Everything I know about fixing them I've had to learn through trial-and-error - there was no instruction given to me. None. Reema left last January, and I only had the barest idea of how to handle anything to do with that system - submit and retrieve the claims, and that was it, so there's a giant backlog in February - and then again from August to October, and a few in November and December, because Marla didn't know how to do them and I didn't have the time, only being in the clinic for a few hours each week, and only after all the adjusters and case managers are gone for the day, or aren't in at all.
So now I have to go and fix those, or help Marla try to fix them, and it gets done at roughly the same rate - it'll take another month or two, 'cause I don't even know if the way I found to get them reprocessed will work yet.
Meanwhile, she wants them done yesterday, and life moves on.
School... is probably rivalling home in terms of suckage.
Ling, admittedly, is fine. I don't even have to expend any large bits of energy to do well in that class - as evidenced by the second midterm that I did not realize I had until I walked into class, and yet still got above the average.
318's going okay. I finally figured out how to make piecewise functions in Matlab, and that made bits of the course that much easier... But I still don't know what I'm doing half the time, and the final project's due to be presented on the 3rd, and I haven't done anything, except research. No code. Not even recordings of the sounds I'll need to do it. Nothing. It's not that I haven't been trying, either, but every time I sit down to work on it, I get distracted, or realize that I want to be doing anything but working on it, and so I don't, and... And now I'm left with a week and two days to pull something out of my ass, and I don't even know that I'll be able to force myself to work on it now, even knowing that.
I can't make the distractions go away, either. I have a feeling that I'd be going crazy without them.
354 worries me. I mostly understand the material - when I read it, anyways (classes are useless) - but I don't think I understand it well enough to be able to spout out queries at random... Again, my problem of needing references hits. It doesn't help that the lecturer is an absolute cow - goddamnit, I need to check when the lecturers are grad students; this is the second time horrendous things have happened because of that. She can barely communicate in English, she marks everything as an absolute yes or no with barely any leeway for part marks, and she doesn't even understand the material she's teaching half the time! The homeworks have been horrendous so far, and those damned quizzes - well, the best way to describe the frustration about them is the answer I gave to the first question of the last one we had: I drew a picture of the world being pummelled by meteors, fire everywhere, stick people running around screaming, etc, etc. There's a project to do for that one, too, and between it and 318 I'm tearing my hair out... We do get to work in pairs for it - Trav's mine - but I haven't done anything for it yet and I feel guilty about it. He says it's easy, but I still don't want to shove the majority of it all on him... And I know that if I were 'working' with anyone else in the class, I'd be getting screamed at for not doing anything.
307's the worst of all. I don't understand it. At all. Well, maybe I understand the basic ideas behind the algorithms and how to use them, and how to manipulate the trees and stuff, but anything requiring figuring out computational time or making up a new algorithm to suit a requirement or the proofs behind those algorithms... All the important theoretical bits - which the course is supposed to be about! - I don't get those. It hasn't helped that everyone else in the class seems to be getting it okay, and that I've heard it bandied about the common room that you shouldn't be able to graduate or be called a computing scientist without knowing the stuff in 307... It makes me feel like a complete and utter idiot. A failure - that's all I've done on the tests so far. I'm supposed to be smart - supposed to know what I'm doing - but I can't grasp it and it doesn't help that the book is all giant and complicated and...
...And I'm wondering what the hell I'm even doing in comp sci to begin with.
I hate math. Sure, I can do more than some people, but I can't perform at the level I need to be able to do. I don't get it, can't wrap my head around it, and even asking for help hasn't worked.
But I don't know what else I should be doing, if not this. I'm lost. I've never been decisive, but I thought this was what was right for me... And now I'm utterly confused, and angry with myself for being so stupid, and I can't possibly just quit now, it'd be throwing three years of my life away, and thousands of dollars, and it'd be so weak of me and...
I'd be such a disappointment to everyone.
What happened to me?
I was always at the top of things in high school. Everyone told me I'd wind up doing really well in university, and getting a degree easily, and I listened to them and believed them and now I find out I'm a moron.
And I can't tell them. Can't tell mom or dad. They'd freak. They'd be even more pissed off at me than they are now.
Scared. What else can I do? I don't know. I should stick with this, maybe it'll get better. Or maybe it won't. Or
And meanwhile I just dig myself in deeper and
and maybe I'm supposed to be doing this after all, and it's my own damn fault that I'm so lazy and stupid, and that's why I'm doing badly
terribly
can't fail this semester, GPA'll drop back down below 2.4 and I'll be out of the school of CS for the second time and what'll the counselors say then, and it'll be a total waste of the scholarship - can't waste that money, can't
not that the CSSS appreciates me anyways - how the fuck did she win? She's not even around most of the time! That would've been a huge incentive to do better, need to be a major to hold that position, and
I don't understand.
Anything.
It was terrible yesterday. Thought it would be fine - I was just angry at first - but then I broke down in the common room again (too weak for my own good), and... I hope no-one noticed. I hid behind Trav, hid the tears behind laughter and helium, and thought it would be better for the social, but...
But I couldn't drink enough to stay drunk and happy - the coolers got too sweet, and beer's always made me gag, have to choke it down when I do drink it - and only two hours in and I wanted to be anywhere else but there, and she showed up, and there was just enough alcohol in my system to encourage me to snap her neck, and
And everyone else was happy and partying and bringing honour to CS by downing beer, and...
I felt ignored, and since no-one was paying attention to me, couldn't help but think about all this shit again, everything's compounding and I nearly broke down half a dozen times at the party itself, and again all the way home, and
couldn't help myself, cried for two hours before going to bed, and even now
...gah. Shut up. You sound like a whiny depressed emo teenager.
I need food.
