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magedragonfireHm. Three entries in less than four months. Something must be wrong with me.
I don't know what's been up the past week. I mean, there was P-chan's... what? Murder? Death? Whichever one. That kinda depressed me for a bit. But it's continued on, and I'm still touchy and moody and... I've just been withdrawing into my old shell. I mean, not with the same emotional detachment from everything - too moody for that to happen; I've been bursting into tears over the stupidest things - but I've just been listless and unsociable in general and not wanting to be around anyone or anything... save for people on the interwebs 'cause I don't have to move around much to please them.
I've been like that for a little while now, actually, and it's just gotten worse since last week.
I guess part of it might be because the curse has hit me terribly - it hasn't been this bad in years - ye gods, I wanted to kill myself Thursday 'cause the cramps were so bad - and it's probably wreaking all kinds of chaos with my hormones, and probably working in conjunction with recent sources of sadness, but still.
I just... don't know why, really.
And it doesn't help that the job search is going nowhere - either because the hours are bad in some way or the work itself isn't anything I want to do - and I still don't know what I want to do with school and I know that no-one else can make up my mind about it but me but I can't and...
I was thinking about that earlier tonight, actually, about why I'm having so much problems figuring out what to do about the giant black hole in my future.
I used to be smart. Well, maybe I still am, but since I left high school said smartness hasn't wanted to show itself much. Anyways. I almost always was at the top of my class through elementary and secondary, and my parents and teachers and friends and - well, everyone - always patted my on the head, telling me that with brains like mine I could be anything I wanted to be (barring the obvious things that I can't due to the diabetes and stuff; no firefighting or airplane piloting for me). And I took them all at their word for it, got a terribly swell head, and never gave much thought to the future or anything - since I was so good at everything, after all, I could just choose what I wanted eventually!
Now, the part of me that knows how much of a problem I have with indecision laughs terribly at this.
And I was good at everything... well, maybe except for art. Could never draw or put anything pretty together like that, but that's beside the point. It turns out that nothing ever really... jumped out at me. There was never anything I particularly loved to do; it was all good, yeah. I liked chemistry, I liked geography, I liked ancient history, I liked math... It was all pretty cool, but eventually got boring - they all had downsides, too - and I couldn't foresee myself doing anything in any one of them for an extended period of time. I didn't care enough.
The one thing I do love to do, writing, is totally unfeasible. My inspiration comes and goes at a moment's notice, and I hate having to force myself to churn out anything - which is what I would have to do if I did get published just to barely support myself, and that's all assuming that anything sold in the first place! You just don't get rich off of writing fiction for a living.
And I couldn't get a degree out of it; I hate university English courses.
So I took comp sci because, hey, I like video games. I wanna learn how to program them. Oh, okay, so that's not really what this is for, but that's okay, it's a really competitive industry anyways and I don't really want to do it enough for that, so let's just see where this goes AUGH MATH THAT BREAKS MY HEAD.
And there you have it. I'm literally stuck between a rock and a hard place and both are rushing to meet me in something that will probably become comparable to the Big Bang if they ever touch each other.
No idea what I'm doing. No clue. Nada. Zip.
And atop of all this crap, I have a feeling Trav's mad at me, and I don't know why - well, I can think of reasons why, if he is, but I'm sure I don't know all why. I don't even know if he is or not. Maybe it's just paranoia spawned from hormones and screwedupedness. Maybe it's not. I don't know. I should ask, but I have a feeling I'll get way too upset if I do, regardless of the answer.
...Maybe I'm just not perky enough anymore.
I don't know what's been up the past week. I mean, there was P-chan's... what? Murder? Death? Whichever one. That kinda depressed me for a bit. But it's continued on, and I'm still touchy and moody and... I've just been withdrawing into my old shell. I mean, not with the same emotional detachment from everything - too moody for that to happen; I've been bursting into tears over the stupidest things - but I've just been listless and unsociable in general and not wanting to be around anyone or anything... save for people on the interwebs 'cause I don't have to move around much to please them.
I've been like that for a little while now, actually, and it's just gotten worse since last week.
I guess part of it might be because the curse has hit me terribly - it hasn't been this bad in years - ye gods, I wanted to kill myself Thursday 'cause the cramps were so bad - and it's probably wreaking all kinds of chaos with my hormones, and probably working in conjunction with recent sources of sadness, but still.
I just... don't know why, really.
And it doesn't help that the job search is going nowhere - either because the hours are bad in some way or the work itself isn't anything I want to do - and I still don't know what I want to do with school and I know that no-one else can make up my mind about it but me but I can't and...
I was thinking about that earlier tonight, actually, about why I'm having so much problems figuring out what to do about the giant black hole in my future.
I used to be smart. Well, maybe I still am, but since I left high school said smartness hasn't wanted to show itself much. Anyways. I almost always was at the top of my class through elementary and secondary, and my parents and teachers and friends and - well, everyone - always patted my on the head, telling me that with brains like mine I could be anything I wanted to be (barring the obvious things that I can't due to the diabetes and stuff; no firefighting or airplane piloting for me). And I took them all at their word for it, got a terribly swell head, and never gave much thought to the future or anything - since I was so good at everything, after all, I could just choose what I wanted eventually!
Now, the part of me that knows how much of a problem I have with indecision laughs terribly at this.
And I was good at everything... well, maybe except for art. Could never draw or put anything pretty together like that, but that's beside the point. It turns out that nothing ever really... jumped out at me. There was never anything I particularly loved to do; it was all good, yeah. I liked chemistry, I liked geography, I liked ancient history, I liked math... It was all pretty cool, but eventually got boring - they all had downsides, too - and I couldn't foresee myself doing anything in any one of them for an extended period of time. I didn't care enough.
The one thing I do love to do, writing, is totally unfeasible. My inspiration comes and goes at a moment's notice, and I hate having to force myself to churn out anything - which is what I would have to do if I did get published just to barely support myself, and that's all assuming that anything sold in the first place! You just don't get rich off of writing fiction for a living.
And I couldn't get a degree out of it; I hate university English courses.
So I took comp sci because, hey, I like video games. I wanna learn how to program them. Oh, okay, so that's not really what this is for, but that's okay, it's a really competitive industry anyways and I don't really want to do it enough for that, so let's just see where this goes AUGH MATH THAT BREAKS MY HEAD.
And there you have it. I'm literally stuck between a rock and a hard place and both are rushing to meet me in something that will probably become comparable to the Big Bang if they ever touch each other.
No idea what I'm doing. No clue. Nada. Zip.
And atop of all this crap, I have a feeling Trav's mad at me, and I don't know why - well, I can think of reasons why, if he is, but I'm sure I don't know all why. I don't even know if he is or not. Maybe it's just paranoia spawned from hormones and screwedupedness. Maybe it's not. I don't know. I should ask, but I have a feeling I'll get way too upset if I do, regardless of the answer.
...Maybe I'm just not perky enough anymore.
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no subject
Date: 2006-06-03 09:28 am (UTC)I'm sorry to hear that it's been happening to you... sometimes we just have our lulls, sometimes we just have those moments where we get sensitive to something we may not have been before...
I'm kind of in the same boat as you. I'm going to school, getting a degree in art (computer science + art = video games... I totally was following a similar path) and not knowing what this degree could get me as a career. I've heard from people that most people gets jobs outside of their degree and I see that it's kind of true... doesn't mean the degree doesn't help a certain type of job, right? Well... finding it is difficult... sometimes I wonder if I should have stayed in Computer Science...
I have many interests too, I like math, English, science... all sorts of things. I couldn't choose what I wanted to do... at one point in my life, I thought maybe I could be a violinist. Somehow I settled being in computer science was making me feel miserable, and then I thought, why not art. It's the only thing I lacked the most experience in skill in. I wonder if you're like that... you know, satisfactory or slightly higher than satisfactory in almost everything, but never truly... exceling in any one thing. That was my problem, and I settled with something I wasn't even good at...
You are intelligent. In both academics and life.
But even the most intelligent of people are wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. If only life could be so easy as to, you know, simply say, I want to be a singer! And then someone just does it. I wish. Even though it feels so lost now, I'm certain that when the time comes, you know exactly what you'll want... and even if you don't, it's bound to come someday. Some people don't know how to really live their lives until... they're really old...
I think if people saw the two of us, they'd think you have a better future than me... who'd do the art major, right? Even so, I'm sure there's something for the both of us.
Yeah, I know how that feels... if it doesn't interest me enough, I just can't keep going. ... a lack of motivation really changes a huge difference... even if you can do the thing, if you just aren't feeling it, it just never happens. Sorry to see that you're going through that now... in some ways, I think we're going through similar things...
People say I never smile in person. Interesting how such a simple action changes so much.
Perky or not, you're struggling through this, and I hope you don't give up. I think you can do anything in your power and use that power if you wanted to.
Thought I'd drop you a comment since it looks like no else does. ...okay, so it was a rather large one, but I hope it was to your liking in some way. Let me know if I said anything that bothered you.