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Nov. 9th, 2006 10:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
magedragonfireToday was not an especially good day. The afternoon during work rather sucked, actually. My back has just been giving me hell - started this afternoon whilst proofind another jillionth order - and nothing I do seems to make it calm down. It's worse than it's ever been, and I actually had to blink back tears a couple of times. I think I'll go see the doctor again about it... Although he didn't do anything of use at all last time. Probably hasn't 'persisted' long enough for him, but I don't care. It hurts.
The other shitty thing is the bout of self-doubt and depression I've seemed to have fallen into. Between dad's continuing constant lies (apparently he's run up 3 credit cards on his own besides stealing mom's to feed his gambling and alcohol 'needs'; his debt is into the six figures, he still owes me back money for prescriptions and my tax return, and I figure my chances of ever seeing any of it are nil), and mom and Sean's latest round of battles over bitchery and nonsense (that have usually culminated in a giant screaming match, preventing me from going to sleep, every night for the past week; the both of them have their heads stuck so far up their asses it's a wonder they can breathe) I am more than sick and tired of the situation around here.
It seems I've been elected the goddamn sounding block for all sides because of my refusal to get involved in their shit. As Sean put it, I'm 'the wall'. Nothing gets past me. I remain unaffected by everything. Or at least, I don't let it show. You know what? It does hurt. I hate listening to them all scream at each other. I hate being lied to. I hate the hate that's just buzzing around this place. But I can't say a word, because if I do, it'll make the whole shitstorm even worse than it is - I have to make sure I keep on Sean's good side so that he doesn't hurt me, I have to make sure I keep on mom's good side so that she doesn't throw me out of the house (last thing I need right now)... Have to make sure I don't piss off dad too much (ignoring him is really the best and only thing to do now) because if I do, mom will consequently be pissed off, because of course she's angry as all hell at him and yet doesn't want to leave him completely. Idiot.
And in the meantime, I have to listen to everyone spew about everyone else, and grunt and offer halfarsed opinions on the whole thing, when I really just want to scream at them all.
Little aggravating.
And then there's the other thing. I didn't think it would get to be an issue, but it's just been gnawing away at me. I don't even know why. Half of it, maybe, is because I keep thinking that, if it was the other way around... Would there still be anything to worry over? And then I feel horrible for thinking that, but what else do I have to go on? Nothing.
I feel almost like I've devolved into something I've always scorned, clinging onto something for the sake of it being there, because I can't imagine things otherwise. And then I laugh at myself for thinking that, because surely there can't be a problem, right...? And the laughter becomes shaky because I just can't help but wonder. It's terrible.
I can't articulate anything. I tried. Failed. The spoken word has never been my element. My tongue trips over itself even when I know what I want to say... When I can't even put into words what I'm feeling? I just blank. I can write most of it, though. If I was born a mute and only had a piece of paper (or the Internet, perhaps) to communicate with the world, I'd be fine and dandy. As it stands... I can't engage in the primary form of human communication. Can't get anything across. Can't wrack my memory to find examples or counterexamples or even to figure out what it was that was bothering me so. I just don't work that way.
And I still can't figure it out. I figure, one of these days, I'm just going to end up exploding again. And I won't have a reason why, or something to set me off; it'll just happen and I'll end up hurting everyone around me and alienating myself irreparably from everything I care about, and it'll be even worse than last time because at least that time I found something to comfort me.
Starfalls aren't always something to count on, though.
I hate this. I hate me. I hate what I've become. I didn't use to be this way, so cold and callous and... wretched. I didn't used to try to shock or piss people off for kicks. I used to give a damn. I used to be an optimist. A dreamer. Where did the dreams go? The hope? The knowledge that everything was going to be all right in the end, that both darkness and light were friends, that everything balanced? The knowledge that there were people I loved and trusted, and who loved and trusted me?
When did I become so bitter?
And at the same time, so meek?
I molded myself one way, in a butchered attempt to try and make myself 'happy'... And now myriad others are trying to shift me other directions. Pull me this way and that.
A very wise woman once told me that I, with my intelligence, my insightfulness, my open-mindedness, and my sheer determination to make a difference in the world, would touch many people within my life. She told me to never lose who I was.
I lost my path a long time ago.
And now I'm losing myself as well.
The other shitty thing is the bout of self-doubt and depression I've seemed to have fallen into. Between dad's continuing constant lies (apparently he's run up 3 credit cards on his own besides stealing mom's to feed his gambling and alcohol 'needs'; his debt is into the six figures, he still owes me back money for prescriptions and my tax return, and I figure my chances of ever seeing any of it are nil), and mom and Sean's latest round of battles over bitchery and nonsense (that have usually culminated in a giant screaming match, preventing me from going to sleep, every night for the past week; the both of them have their heads stuck so far up their asses it's a wonder they can breathe) I am more than sick and tired of the situation around here.
It seems I've been elected the goddamn sounding block for all sides because of my refusal to get involved in their shit. As Sean put it, I'm 'the wall'. Nothing gets past me. I remain unaffected by everything. Or at least, I don't let it show. You know what? It does hurt. I hate listening to them all scream at each other. I hate being lied to. I hate the hate that's just buzzing around this place. But I can't say a word, because if I do, it'll make the whole shitstorm even worse than it is - I have to make sure I keep on Sean's good side so that he doesn't hurt me, I have to make sure I keep on mom's good side so that she doesn't throw me out of the house (last thing I need right now)... Have to make sure I don't piss off dad too much (ignoring him is really the best and only thing to do now) because if I do, mom will consequently be pissed off, because of course she's angry as all hell at him and yet doesn't want to leave him completely. Idiot.
And in the meantime, I have to listen to everyone spew about everyone else, and grunt and offer halfarsed opinions on the whole thing, when I really just want to scream at them all.
Little aggravating.
And then there's the other thing. I didn't think it would get to be an issue, but it's just been gnawing away at me. I don't even know why. Half of it, maybe, is because I keep thinking that, if it was the other way around... Would there still be anything to worry over? And then I feel horrible for thinking that, but what else do I have to go on? Nothing.
I feel almost like I've devolved into something I've always scorned, clinging onto something for the sake of it being there, because I can't imagine things otherwise. And then I laugh at myself for thinking that, because surely there can't be a problem, right...? And the laughter becomes shaky because I just can't help but wonder. It's terrible.
I can't articulate anything. I tried. Failed. The spoken word has never been my element. My tongue trips over itself even when I know what I want to say... When I can't even put into words what I'm feeling? I just blank. I can write most of it, though. If I was born a mute and only had a piece of paper (or the Internet, perhaps) to communicate with the world, I'd be fine and dandy. As it stands... I can't engage in the primary form of human communication. Can't get anything across. Can't wrack my memory to find examples or counterexamples or even to figure out what it was that was bothering me so. I just don't work that way.
And I still can't figure it out. I figure, one of these days, I'm just going to end up exploding again. And I won't have a reason why, or something to set me off; it'll just happen and I'll end up hurting everyone around me and alienating myself irreparably from everything I care about, and it'll be even worse than last time because at least that time I found something to comfort me.
Starfalls aren't always something to count on, though.
I hate this. I hate me. I hate what I've become. I didn't use to be this way, so cold and callous and... wretched. I didn't used to try to shock or piss people off for kicks. I used to give a damn. I used to be an optimist. A dreamer. Where did the dreams go? The hope? The knowledge that everything was going to be all right in the end, that both darkness and light were friends, that everything balanced? The knowledge that there were people I loved and trusted, and who loved and trusted me?
When did I become so bitter?
And at the same time, so meek?
I molded myself one way, in a butchered attempt to try and make myself 'happy'... And now myriad others are trying to shift me other directions. Pull me this way and that.
A very wise woman once told me that I, with my intelligence, my insightfulness, my open-mindedness, and my sheer determination to make a difference in the world, would touch many people within my life. She told me to never lose who I was.
I lost my path a long time ago.
And now I'm losing myself as well.
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no subject
Date: 2006-11-10 11:22 am (UTC)If you hate what you've 'become,' then you really haven't become it at all, I would think. It's when you don't realize what you've done until too late is when you leave what you've 'become.' Personally, I think you never got there.
People have their own defense mechanisms during extreme stress, and in a situation like family and place of home, it will eat you away, from small things to large things...
Perhaps right now is just a down time for you. There's no way you can stay down, because as that woman has said, I also saw those things within you, and you supposedly are what you described above.
Of course, it's really more important of what you think of yourself. I'm sure you already know that, but I hope that at least some words could ease some part of you or at least make the rest of your day feel a little brighter.
I'm very happy to have you as a friend, so whenever you feel like ranting, chatting, talking, I'll be around. I know I've been busy lately, but I haven't stopped checking LJ or my e-mail. Give me a ring if you're ever bored or anything. atkascha@gmail.com
no subject
Date: 2006-11-10 11:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-11 08:58 pm (UTC)Long story short, my dad's suffering depression problems and terribly random panic attacks and my mom can't take care of him as well becuase she has two girls who are at that stage who really need a mom.
I'm going to college in a year.
- My mom depends on me to watch over my dad and my sister and herself when she locks herself in her room.
- She kicked my dad out of the bedroom.
- My sister gets in trouble because of the North Korea thing. I gotta clean up her silly little messes.
- My dad depends on me to "lead" the family and he keeps talking suicidal but then changes his mind and it's so confusing. He also refuses to be hospitalized.
- Every day, I go to school, work, home, cook, clean, homework, listen to each person's problems like a psychiatrist. I give them really bad advice to soothe their conscience and then go to bed.
ANd it just repeats.
What am I now? Am I not allowed to be a teenager anymore?
I'm mad at myself that I couldn't handle the situations better than I could have. I'm always holding my mom so she doesn't collapse, smacking my sister around so she can realize what she's doing and trying to rationalize with a stubborn old man.
hm. Teachers are disappointed in me. "We expected more of you...I guess not." I'm more blunt, straightforward adn I'm a lot louder and sarcastic. I hurt people's feelings and I piss people off. And people expected me to be that quiet Christan little asian girl.
All these expectations...where'd they come from?
Hm.