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Aug. 10th, 2006 11:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
magedragonfireBleh. Got two of my ten fillings done today. It didn't go that badly - didn't feel the needle, which the dentist had assured me was the worst part (the worst parts were actually the sound/smell of my teeth being drilled away and keeping my mouth open for so damn long). So they are now filled, and the bottoms of the teeth that he worked on feel fuzzy. Apparently this will go away when the teeth get reworn, but it feels really funky in the meantime.
Also, I got upset again for no reason last night. I don't know whether it was the stress/fear of the cavityfillings or what, but it was kinda terrible for a little bit.
I think part of the reason is that, even though I'm a ton and a half better than I used to be, I'm still terribly insecure. The worst part is that it's in a totally different area than it used to be. I used to deal with it by shutting out people - I didn't need them, could deal with everything by myself, and made myself terribly lonely... But at least I was decisive, knew what I wanted, etc. Now I'm not lonely, but I find myself needing more validation than I get, I'm terribly indecisive, and so on.
And it's the validation part that's the worst, because all I seem to do nowadays is worry endlessly whether anyone cares about me. I've never needed to know in the past - and hell, I've got major problems with letting it be known that I care about anyone - but lately it's just been gnawing at me. I don't know why.
...Geez. I need to stop being so damned negative and emo and such.
But wouldn't that just hinder whatever emotional breakthrough or whatever that I'm having? (OMG I'm female and have feelings or something???)
Or would it just make me stop sounding so damned whiny?
Iunno.
I should go to bed.
Also, I got upset again for no reason last night. I don't know whether it was the stress/fear of the cavityfillings or what, but it was kinda terrible for a little bit.
I think part of the reason is that, even though I'm a ton and a half better than I used to be, I'm still terribly insecure. The worst part is that it's in a totally different area than it used to be. I used to deal with it by shutting out people - I didn't need them, could deal with everything by myself, and made myself terribly lonely... But at least I was decisive, knew what I wanted, etc. Now I'm not lonely, but I find myself needing more validation than I get, I'm terribly indecisive, and so on.
And it's the validation part that's the worst, because all I seem to do nowadays is worry endlessly whether anyone cares about me. I've never needed to know in the past - and hell, I've got major problems with letting it be known that I care about anyone - but lately it's just been gnawing at me. I don't know why.
...Geez. I need to stop being so damned negative and emo and such.
But wouldn't that just hinder whatever emotional breakthrough or whatever that I'm having? (OMG I'm female and have feelings or something???)
Or would it just make me stop sounding so damned whiny?
Iunno.
I should go to bed.
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no subject
Date: 2006-08-11 08:10 am (UTC)With the kind of person you are, I'm not sure if the things I do are either too annoying or cute, or nice, or anything, but I do them anyway. I think that you know that I do care, so that's why I keep going... maybe it's wrong to assume such, but I just get that feeling, you know?
We all have our down times. Maybe you're having some stress, or maybe it's just... having a bad week, or something. It's okay to feel that you need others to validate you-- afterall, even I need validating at times. I hate being validated-- it makes me feel SO vulnerable and I imagine you might feel similar to that... but because we're friends, I feel that if I ever needed some reassurance, I might avoid people because I'm afraid of asking for attention, but sometimes we just need this attention.
So for me, I always give my friends attention... tell them that I love them, that I miss them, that I think they're wonderful people, and it's more than just words. If I could say how I feel each time in the proper words, I hope they show. It's too hard to show feelings through this computer screen and have them really feel geninuely real, but I really do care about you. The weekend you were going sure was different with out "Dragonfire" in the side of IRC... I really do love my friends, and you're one of them!
It's okay to be negative once in a while. We feel down sometimes. It's not emo. I'm a bit tired of people having bad days and saying they're emo. It's not emo. Emo is like asking for attention 24/7 even when you don't need it. Oh no, my dad sucks for telling me to clean my room, oh he is so mean because he asks me to clean my room, tell me I was right in telling him off, etc. You don't do that. It's always okay to have feelings.
And it's okay to be whiny once in a while. You of all people are the few who don't whine often. So, let yourself go, whine about all you want, and I hope it makes you feel better afterwards, because you deserve only to be happy!!
Whoever you used to be, I don't know. But I like the you now, and if we need this change, we can improve as people together!