A critique.

So I was reading through an old Weyr I used to play in, and discovered a dragon colour that hadn't been there previously. Now, the gods know that some of the colours I've created have been odd or frivolous, but hey, at least they usually had a reason for being what they were.

Now, the style of writing behind this thing inherently makes me think I know exactly who wrote it... An egotistical little snot, whom somehow thinks that being a bitch all of the time is attractive. She and a friend of her (much the same the two of them were) were the reason I stopped playing in the Weyr; after constant drama-llamaing and bitchfits about the results of mating flights, I had enough. Their characters were not particularly the most realistic, nor especially well-played. Mostly, they were just there to flounce around and pretend at love-lives.

But! C, lovely C, apparently stayed on.

( And apparently created herself in dragon format, or something. )

Sigh, Pern. Sigh.

(no subject)

Today was not an especially good day. The afternoon during work rather sucked, actually. My back has just been giving me hell - started this afternoon whilst proofind another jillionth order - and nothing I do seems to make it calm down. It's worse than it's ever been, and I actually had to blink back tears a couple of times. I think I'll go see the doctor again about it... Although he didn't do anything of use at all last time. Probably hasn't 'persisted' long enough for him, but I don't care. It hurts.

The other shitty thing is the bout of self-doubt and depression I've seemed to have fallen into. Between dad's continuing constant lies (apparently he's run up 3 credit cards on his own besides stealing mom's to feed his gambling and alcohol 'needs'; his debt is into the six figures, he still owes me back money for prescriptions and my tax return, and I figure my chances of ever seeing any of it are nil), and mom and Sean's latest round of battles over bitchery and nonsense (that have usually culminated in a giant screaming match, preventing me from going to sleep, every night for the past week; the both of them have their heads stuck so far up their asses it's a wonder they can breathe) I am more than sick and tired of the situation around here.
It seems I've been elected the goddamn sounding block for all sides because of my refusal to get involved in their shit. As Sean put it, I'm 'the wall'. Nothing gets past me. I remain unaffected by everything. Or at least, I don't let it show. You know what? It does hurt. I hate listening to them all scream at each other. I hate being lied to. I hate the hate that's just buzzing around this place. But I can't say a word, because if I do, it'll make the whole shitstorm even worse than it is - I have to make sure I keep on Sean's good side so that he doesn't hurt me, I have to make sure I keep on mom's good side so that she doesn't throw me out of the house (last thing I need right now)... Have to make sure I don't piss off dad too much (ignoring him is really the best and only thing to do now) because if I do, mom will consequently be pissed off, because of course she's angry as all hell at him and yet doesn't want to leave him completely. Idiot.
And in the meantime, I have to listen to everyone spew about everyone else, and grunt and offer halfarsed opinions on the whole thing, when I really just want to scream at them all.

Little aggravating.

And then there's the other thing. I didn't think it would get to be an issue, but it's just been gnawing away at me. I don't even know why. Half of it, maybe, is because I keep thinking that, if it was the other way around... Would there still be anything to worry over? And then I feel horrible for thinking that, but what else do I have to go on? Nothing.
I feel almost like I've devolved into something I've always scorned, clinging onto something for the sake of it being there, because I can't imagine things otherwise. And then I laugh at myself for thinking that, because surely there can't be a problem, right...? And the laughter becomes shaky because I just can't help but wonder. It's terrible.

I can't articulate anything. I tried. Failed. The spoken word has never been my element. My tongue trips over itself even when I know what I want to say... When I can't even put into words what I'm feeling? I just blank. I can write most of it, though. If I was born a mute and only had a piece of paper (or the Internet, perhaps) to communicate with the world, I'd be fine and dandy. As it stands... I can't engage in the primary form of human communication. Can't get anything across. Can't wrack my memory to find examples or counterexamples or even to figure out what it was that was bothering me so. I just don't work that way.

And I still can't figure it out. I figure, one of these days, I'm just going to end up exploding again. And I won't have a reason why, or something to set me off; it'll just happen and I'll end up hurting everyone around me and alienating myself irreparably from everything I care about, and it'll be even worse than last time because at least that time I found something to comfort me.
Starfalls aren't always something to count on, though.

I hate this. I hate me. I hate what I've become. I didn't use to be this way, so cold and callous and... wretched. I didn't used to try to shock or piss people off for kicks. I used to give a damn. I used to be an optimist. A dreamer. Where did the dreams go? The hope? The knowledge that everything was going to be all right in the end, that both darkness and light were friends, that everything balanced? The knowledge that there were people I loved and trusted, and who loved and trusted me?
When did I become so bitter?
And at the same time, so meek?

I molded myself one way, in a butchered attempt to try and make myself 'happy'... And now myriad others are trying to shift me other directions. Pull me this way and that.

A very wise woman once told me that I, with my intelligence, my insightfulness, my open-mindedness, and my sheer determination to make a difference in the world, would touch many people within my life. She told me to never lose who I was.

I lost my path a long time ago.

And now I'm losing myself as well.